150 conversation starters for couples

Before you start

There is no separate list of conversation starters for boyfriend and another of conversation starters for girlfriend. Good questions are the same whoever is asking, so everything here works in either direction. Ask one at a time, answer it yourself too, and when a question lands somewhere unexpected, follow it there.

At the dinner table

Phones face down, nowhere to be. Dinner suits questions with a story in them, and it is the easiest place to turn talk into a game: the Newlywed game asks three questions about you and three where you guess what your partner will say, answers private until revealed together.

• What was the smallest good thing that happened today?
• Tell me about a childhood meal you would eat again, unchanged.
• If anyone alive could join us tonight, who would improve the meal?
• What did you do today that nobody noticed?
• Which of our friends would you trust to cook for us?
• Finish the sentence: the meal I am proudest of making is...
• What did your family talk about over dinner?
• Which dish do you order everywhere just to compare versions?
• If we opened a restaurant, what would go wrong first?
• Tell me about something you heard today that stuck.
• Who did you talk to today that you would not usually mention?
• What food rule do you follow but never say out loud?
• If tonight were a film scene, what would the caption say?
• What would you cook to impress someone, and what to comfort them?
• Which meal we have shared do you think about most?
• Finish the sentence: the food I could eat every single day is...
• Tell me about a meal that went wrong and became a story.
• Which of my table habits have you grown fond of?
• If we kept only three kitchen items, which would you fight for?
• What question do you wish people asked you more often?

In the car

Nobody has to make eye contact in a car, which is why good conversations happen there. These are light enough to keep going for miles.

• If this road never ended, where would you want it to go?
• Tell me about the first long drive you remember.
• What did you do on long journeys as a child?
• Honestly, which of us is the better navigator?
• Which place we always drive past should we finally stop at?
• Finish the sentence: my worst driving habit is...
• What road sign or place name do you always wonder about?
• Which album would you play start to finish on a night drive?
• Tell me about a car you have loved, owned or not.
• Which town we have only driven through could you live in?
• What is the best thing anyone taught you about driving?
• Would you rather drive six hours or fly one with two changes?
• Tell me about a journey that beat the destination.
• What silly feature would you add to this car?
• What do you think about when you drive alone?
• Finish the sentence: the place I would hate to drive is...
• Which passenger rule should we adopt, and which should we drop?
• Which friend would we regret bringing on a road trip?

Before bed

Keep these gentle. The point is to end the day with each other rather than a screen, so pick one or two and let the quiet afterwards count.

• What are you grateful for tonight that you did not expect?
• What did I do today that you appreciated but did not say?
• Tell me about a dream you have had more than once.
• What are you looking forward to this week?
• Finish the sentence: the thing I keep meaning to tell you is...
• If you could drop one worry before sleep, which one?
• What did you believe about sleep as a child that was nonsense?
• Tell me about the bedroom you had growing up.
• What small thing would make tomorrow morning easier?
• What is the kindest thing anyone said to you this week?
• If tomorrow were free, how would you spend the first hour?
• What did you learn about yourself this week?
• Finish the sentence: right now I feel most at peace when...
• What would you like more of from me in an ordinary week?
• Tell me about a night you did not want to end.
• What do you want to dream about tonight?
• What from today would you rather not carry into tomorrow?
• What are you quietly proud of yourself for this week?

One a day with Question of the day

If you like the idea of one question a day but know you will forget, Question of the day does the remembering. Each day there is one question. You each answer privately on your own phone, and the answers are revealed only once both are in, so nobody is swayed by the other.

It takes about two minutes and builds a daily streak, which is exactly the nudge a small habit needs. You answer when you can and the reveal waits for both of you, so time zones do not matter.

Things to talk about with your partner on a walk

Walking side by side slows a conversation down and makes it more honest. These suit the pavement, the park or the beach.

• Which street we have walked down together could you live on?
• Tell me about somewhere you walked to as a teenager.
• What do you notice about a neighbourhood that most people miss?
• If we could plant one tree anywhere, what and where?
• What skill would you like to learn slowly, over years?
• Finish the sentence: the season I feel most like myself in is...
• Tell me about the best view you have ever had.
• Which house on this road would you most like to see inside?
• What have you changed your mind about in the last year?
• What would you add to this neighbourhood: a shop, a bench, a view?
• What smell stops you in the street?
• What did you collect as a child?
• Tell me about a walk that became a conversation you remember.
• If we got a dog, who would it secretly prefer?
• What did this area look like a century ago?
• Finish the sentence: I feel most awake when...
• Which route could you walk with your eyes shut?
• Which neighbour should we know better, and why have we not?

After a hard week

When one of you has had a rough week, these are for listening. Skip anything that feels like pressure, and let ‘I do not know yet’ count as an answer.

• What was the heaviest part of this week, and is it over?
• What do you need right now: distraction, a plan or company?
• Tell me about an old hard week that seems small now.
• What went right this week that got buried?
• Finish the sentence: what I needed to hear on Tuesday was...
• Who helped you this week, even a little?
• What small comfort reliably works, and can I arrange it?
• What would you hand to somebody else if you could?
• Tell me about getting through something you thought you could not.
• What could we change so next week goes a bit gentler?
• How do you want to spend the first free hour we get?
• What are you tired of pretending is fine?
• Finish the sentence: I would feel better if I could just...
• What did this week teach you against your will?
• Tell me about something that made you laugh this week anyway.
• What have you been carrying alone that you could put down here?
• What would your best friend say about this week?
• What should I remind you of next time a week goes badly?

On long distance calls

Long distance calls die on ‘how was your day’. The fix is detail: the room they are in, the person they keep mentioning, the thing they nearly bought.

• Describe exactly where you are sitting, down to the table.
• What last made you laugh out loud when nobody was around?
• Tell me about someone I keep hearing about but have never met.
• What do you want to do first when we are next together?
• Finish the sentence: I am most curious about your city's...
• Would you have eaten what you ate today if I were there?
• Which habit have you picked up since we have been apart?
• What ordinary part of your day do you wish I could see?
• Which of our messages have you gone back and re-read?
• What would we be doing in your weather today?
• Finish the sentence: the hour I miss you most is...
• What have you started doing that I would find funny?
• Tell me about the view from your window right now.
• What do you want done before we next see each other?
• If I posted you one thing this week, what should it be?
• What question have you been saving for a call, not a message?
• Tell me about something you nearly bought this week.
• What has changed in your routine that I would not know?
• Finish the sentence: when this call ends, I am going to...
• If our evenings lined up for a week, what would we do?

Big picture

These are the couple conversation topics that need room: money, home, the next decade. Save them for an hour with nothing pressing, and agree beforehand that nobody has to have a finished answer.

• Describe a good life in ten years, in ordinary detail.
• Tell me about a decision that quietly changed your direction.
• What do you want your closest people to know you for?
• Finish the sentence: what I am most afraid of wasting is...
• What would you do with a year off, money aside?
• Which belief from your childhood have you kept on purpose?
• What would you tell the person you were five years ago?
• What do we do well as a couple that we should protect?
• What do you want our home to feel like to visitors?
• Which difficult conversation would you like to get better at?
• Finish the sentence: I want to grow old somewhere that...
• Which tradition should we start, or keep from your family?
• What does rest look like for you, and are you getting any?
• Tell me about advice you ignored and were right to.
• What do you want to make that would outlast you?
• How do you actually want us to handle money?
• What fear about relationships has being with me changed?
• Finish the sentence: the future version of us I want most is...
• What will we argue about in twenty years?
• What should we do before we are old that only we would understand?

Funny

Silly questions show how someone thinks when nothing is at stake. For the dilemma version, Would you rather serves eight a round: private picks revealed side by side, with matches feeding a compatibility percentage that builds over weeks.

• What is the silliest argument you have won?
• What embarrassing thing would you choose to be famous for?
• Tell me about a childhood lie you kept up far too long.
• Which household object is secretly judging us?
• Finish the sentence: the hill I will die on, however small, is...
• If our relationship had a theme tune, what would it be?
• What was your worst haircut, and who let it happen?
• If we were a crime duo, who gets caught first?
• Tell me about your strangest two in the morning search.
• Which ordinary word can you not say without giggling?
• Which completely useless superpower would you pick?
• What would your autobiography of kitchen disasters be called?
• Finish the sentence: the most middle-aged thing I did recently was...
• Which animal were you in a past life, and which was I?
• Tell me about a time you waved at the wrong person.
• Which competition could we actually win as a pair?
• What is the pettiest thing you have done and never confessed?
• Which human habit would you struggle to explain to aliens?

How the two-phone version works

Question of the day, like every game on the site, runs on two phones. One of you opens a room and sends the other a link. Nothing to download, no account: tap the link and you are in.

You each type your answer privately, and both are shown only once both are in, which keeps an honest answer honest. If one of you is asleep while the other is awake, the question waits: asked at breakfast, answered at bedtime, revealed when you both next look.